Friday, December 27, 2002

Well I guess I am about to sound like a broken record but who cares its just me reading this stupid thing so i am really about to let it all out. i can not and will not subject myself to be vul-ner-ra-ble in any type of realitionship. all that translates into is weakness. i thought for just a second that this may be the one i can let my guard down with, the one i could actually have a mature relationship with for once in my pathetic 25 years of exstince. why do i feel like crying right now? i have a stupid lump in my throat that i keep having to swallow down. i am not sure if this makes me madder but the fact that i have a sneaking suspicion that i will be gotten over real fucking fast if i were to dump him. he know has the upper hand and i can not let him win. he probably has no idea of what a weirdo i am and how much i have thought about this. am i reading way too deep into things should i just give it and him time to smooth out? but isnt this preverbal heart break enivadable, would i just be postponing what i know one day will come. i guess i could spend my life avoiding heart break by never getting close to anyone or letting anyone in. gawd i sound like some love stricken teenager writing a fan letter to a backstreet boy. what should i do??? anyone? oh right its just me here. i guess i am just gonna have to figure this one out on my own. see if i had not cared about him then this would not hurt so bad.

Friday, December 20, 2002

Oh how soon it all starts to crumble apart. well i guess its better to know now that supposid mister wonderful is not meant for me. i felt like i could maybe give it more but i wanted to confirm his feeling about me and well apparently he loves me but is not in love with me. fuck me thats my fucking line i am the one who is supposed to say that kinda shit not have it said to me. it hurts like hell but i guess its better to know sooner than later. i would have really flipped shit had I really fallen

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Well it has only been 2 weeks 3 days since I met what seems to be mister wonderful. The fact that I know exactly how long its been since I have known him is quite frightning. I never keep track of this kinda shit. There is this weird instiant chemistry between us that is really freaking my shit out. Something has to go terra-blee wrong to make all this seem right. I look at him and think that he is too pretty for me and lots of pretty girls would want him so that scares me. i dont like compitition and I will give up before i fight for him. if i dont give it a fighting chance then I cant really say I lost anything. but something tell me he is worth fighting for

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

I wonder how much longer I can keep this job untill i go completly crazy. Minutes seem like hours. its like it has just now hit me how bored i really am everyday. i was thinking this morning that if I quit my job i would be forced to be more creative. i would ultimatly like to do something arty for a living, and now i have the oppertunity to ride on the coat tails of my sister. I am thinking i will paint purses. although i have unsucessifully done this several times i think it may work out this time around. there is a real oppertunity to make some money and lawd knows nothing i love more than some green money.

Monday, September 16, 2002

New boy alert! Michael invited a friend and I to one of his co-workers housewarming parties and this is where I met Alex. I honestly did not give him much thought at first, not because I didnt think he was handsome but because he kinda seemed like a pretty boy. Well anyhoo as the night progressed we talked more and some how or another ended up making out. When I went home that night he called me. I thought that it was cute that he is obviously not abiding by any of these stero typical rules boys generally tend to live their life by. I dont remember seeing Swingers in his movie collection. So we have now hung out several times and I am enjoying his company more and more....................I am not gonna get my little ass get all worked up just to be let down in the end

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Should this date represent sadness every year?

Thursday, September 05, 2002

How long can i continue living for the weekends. its not like any of them are really that different from each other. but none the less i get all excited expecting THIS weekend to be the BEST weekend ever. I can tell ya right now I will get drunk make an asshole out of myself go to sleep and start over the next day. how lame is my life. my face is all broken out like a 13 year old pre-pubesient boy and my ex is playing at emos tomarrow night. i am constantly searching for the way to get to a size 0 in 2 days, so far this laxitive thing has worked alright. but what am i to do about my reched face! i was thinking, that maybe I just dont have the kinda face men fall in love with. i think my nose may be too masculine. maybe a nose job is the answer to all my problems. jennifer grey got one and look at her, she never made another shitty movie again. maybe babs should consider it