Thursday, August 22, 2002

i wonder if dickey is purposfully ignoring me or if he has made best friends with modest mouse and de la soul and has no time for peons like me. actually i cant blame him if he hates me. so what if i cant say i love you back, dont renew our lease and move in with 3 boys, thats not a reason to never speak to me. i was just getting so fucking tired of his shit. everyday that i came home from work he was pouting about something. i continiously had to question what i had done and then apoligize even if it wasnt ness-a-sar-a-leey my fault just for the sake of not arguing. i am so happy i dont have to put up with that shit anymore.
my eyelids are slowly growing heavy. I just wanna check for holes in them all day long. last night i got 40 last night and felt inspired to go out on the town afterwards. holly and i started at club deville where i proceeded to spill and break her second beer. we then travled over to le priv to see a friend of hers who was playing. the door guy was an asshole and it was terribly underpopulated for my must see outfit. we then ventured over to plush and were greeted by some friends of ours. after somemindless chatting we decided to call it a night. holly took her shoes off on the walk back to the car and she managed to step on some glass. i ended up having to give he a piggyback ride for the next block, this was pretty tricky considering i had on stellitos. damn i am a good friend.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

i want to live in a new town where i dont reconize any one or any buildings. i want it to all be new to me. i am growly steadily tired of austin texas. i am starting to feel as though i have been there, done him. so whats the hold up? i am scared i guess, but of what i am not entirely sure. i guess of failing, or not making any friends, or never finding a job. i wonder if i will ever try? that is so pathetic that i have to ask myself that. why the fuck dont i just go out and do it. okay well i do plan on visiting a friend of mine that lives in nyc, thats a start right? cause i guess thats ultimatly were i wanna say i have lived at least once in my life. i am sure it will be a humbling experience that i am long over due for.
i went to this swanky club in dallas this weekend called minc. aestecticlly it was a very cool place, all fung sha-wee with waterfalls and light box pictures. the club's population seemed to be overwhellimingly gay which is fine but not for a straight girl on the hunt for a man. i met up with my best friend of 22years, her brother, an ex F, another old best friend of 8years, and yet another of 6years. they were all blasts from the pasts. it was good catching up with them and to hear what they have been up to. once upon a time i might say something like this, i cant belive none of them have higher asperations, still live in the shit hole town and never attempted college. now i can accept the fact that some people are happy with-out all preten-shu-ss exceptations. Just because those values were instilled in me by my parents dosent make them right. i have finally come to the conclusion that parents dont always know whats best and are not always right. this was a hard concept for me to grasp for some time but i think i finally do. not every person is cut out for college, not everyone is unhappy with small town life, and not everyones goal is to become rich as hell. what i have come to find out is most people just wanna be happy. and if that means living in a small town working 9-5 then more power to them. i guess i still want more.
there is something i have noticed a lot latley when i go to see bands. i cant wait for them to stop playing so i can get to socializing. I can count on one hand how many bands i have seen in the past year that i actually enjoyed the music and did not want to talk. the faint, peaches, pinback, the dwarfs and a solo western keys show. the last one hardly counts considering it was my exboyfriend either way it was good shit. this weekend i went to see we talked about murder in denton for the bazillionth time and all i wanted to do was leave while they were playing. its not because i think they blow its just that i would rather be talking to someone rather than watch the back of peoples heads.
i need a new project. it used to all come to me so easy-lee. boys that is. i would find one date em, debate on loving them then dump em. they always seem to magiclly appear when i have a boyfriend. mabey i have this specific look that says i am taken therefore i must seem irrist-a-ble. I must just look desprate now or something. maybe its the crows feet. why is it that i only feel important when i am with someone? whats all this shit about self love, i feel like shit untill someone loves me. well i guess thats not always true. its so frustrating! these boys should be considering it a favor that i accknowledge their exstince.