Thursday, August 29, 2002

well i thought about more movies when i went home for lunch..............Valley Girl, The making of Thriller, Goonies, The Never Ending story. Now looking at them all written out, their all kids movies. damn i must really be stuck in the past. I like most of these "kid" movies I guess cause it brings me back to a place in my life where shit was good. i didnt need a job, i didnt have to pay bills, i didnt have to have a boyfriend. i was completly taken care of. these were the kinda movies i watched sitting on the floor on my stomache, my view was partially obstructed because of the knee high shag carpet.
during these same times it was like there was always a tornado comming . the coloring of the sky seemed different to me back then, like it was always about to storm but it was always a clear sky. The sky always seemed to have a green like tint that made everthing seem so dramatic but beautiful. its seems like there are barely ever any days like that anymore. hell mabey their are but their only monday through friday from 9am to 6pm. i miss those days when the tv had pixcils the size of quarters
i am gonna try to make a very honest attempt of listing my very favorite movies wanna hear it? well here it goes..............The Outsiders, The Worst Witch, Mommy Dearest, Sixteen Candles, Boogie Nights, Scarface, i know there is more but i cant think of em right now
Favorite tv shows are Welcom Back Kotter, Punky Brewster, Different Strokes, Facts of Life, Cheaters, Sex in the City, Six Feet Under, Saprano's, Forensic Files, Dateline, 20/20, i know ther are more of those too just cant think of em right now

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

i am no longer gonna base my life apon a sex in the city character, nope i have decided to move on to another HBO series, 6 feet under, Brenda. yes i realize that mirroring oneself after a tv charcter is not exactly healthy and i dont mean to say i do this complete sumergence into a fictional person. its just that it would seem to make my life so much eaisier if I just followed a 30 minute to an hour formula. I can no longer be this person who is desinsitized by the sex i have and with whom. yes in theory that is a fantastic plan, unfortuantly one that wont work for myself. i have to the conclusion that its okay to want more than just to have a fuck buddy for the night is it too much to ask to have a ..................................fuck i cant belive i have come to this!!!!!!!!!!
well i ended up talking to dicky an all is well. i just got confirmation that the dj guy i was breifly seeing if it was even considered that is now back with his ex girlfriend. iam not sure if its cause i am about to start my. but it kinda hurts my little feelings. i feel useless and ugly and unloved. gawd am i pityful or what? i never thought i would want what every one else wants but sadly now i am realizing i do. a warm body to sleep next to, someone who says something to me that has been said a million times that day by a million other people. as i am writing this i am trying to think up ways to say what i want that hasnt already been said a million times before. but i guess if a million people do it daily it cant be that bad to say i just wanna hear someone say they love me. why is it i dont feel important unless i feel like someone really does. its probley cause i am so unbelivably insecure.