Friday, December 27, 2002

Well I guess I am about to sound like a broken record but who cares its just me reading this stupid thing so i am really about to let it all out. i can not and will not subject myself to be vul-ner-ra-ble in any type of realitionship. all that translates into is weakness. i thought for just a second that this may be the one i can let my guard down with, the one i could actually have a mature relationship with for once in my pathetic 25 years of exstince. why do i feel like crying right now? i have a stupid lump in my throat that i keep having to swallow down. i am not sure if this makes me madder but the fact that i have a sneaking suspicion that i will be gotten over real fucking fast if i were to dump him. he know has the upper hand and i can not let him win. he probably has no idea of what a weirdo i am and how much i have thought about this. am i reading way too deep into things should i just give it and him time to smooth out? but isnt this preverbal heart break enivadable, would i just be postponing what i know one day will come. i guess i could spend my life avoiding heart break by never getting close to anyone or letting anyone in. gawd i sound like some love stricken teenager writing a fan letter to a backstreet boy. what should i do??? anyone? oh right its just me here. i guess i am just gonna have to figure this one out on my own. see if i had not cared about him then this would not hurt so bad.